FOR CRITICS IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM: DANNY JONES
by OFFICIAL CHOPS WRITING
Summary: THE DIARY OF DANNY JONES. INCLUDES HIS DAY TO DAY ACTIONS AND THE THINGS THAT GO ON FROM HIS POINT OF VIEW!
1. Chapter 1

FOR THE CRITICS IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM THIS IS THE DIARY OF DANNY JONES

MONDAY ENTRY 1

Just to get this thought out here in the open before I forget, Harry Judd is the reason that the word asshole was invented. Why you may ask? Well, I would be more than happy to say. I have a little evidence to support my claim.

Today when we were bored, Harry and Dougie asked me if I wanted to get my balls waxed. I agreed and told them that they could do it. Dougie heated the wax in the kitchen and came into the living room with it. "It won't hurt at all. I do it all the time!" Yeah? He needs to. It looks like he is trying to smuggle a rose bush down there. I lay back on the sofa, with my crotch in the wind. Dougie layers the wax on good and thick. I'm ready for this. Harry places the strip over the wax and pulls. JESUS HOLY SHIT CHRIST! It feels as if my left nut has been ripped off; I have to look down and check. If they do this again, I am going to need a prosthetic nut. Harry goes for another strip. "No! Please not again!" I plead with him He considers it. "Okay. We'll wax your asshole now." What? Is that even possible? Harry flips me over and layers the wax on my ass. Then he sits on my back so I can't get away. "Fuck this. I'm gonna be sick." Dougie takes a step back. "I'm leaving." Harry looks at him. "If you leave now then you won't be able to see the final result. I am going to try and give him the Tara Reid look." "Never mind I'm staying!" Dougie puts on a CD and turns the volume up so the neighbors won't hear me screaming.

Harry puts the strip on. "Harry no! I'll let you date my cousin. The red headed one that you have your eye on!" Dougie buts in. "Harry you like a fire crotch? You could get crabs!" The door opens and it's Tom. "Crabs? Great I'm fuckin' starving!" Harry rolls his eyes. "Not those kind of crabs. Never mind." Tom catches me on the sofa. "Danny getting waxed?! What did I miss?" "Nothing. Harry was just about to pull." Harry nods. "His anal region will look like Tara Reid's when I'm finished." Tom's face lights up and I cringe. I don't want him to corn hole me.

Tom disappears for a moment and returns with popcorn. I shoot him a nasty look. "Guys he's giving me that look again." Dougie looks confused. "You mean his constipated owl look?" Tom nods and Harry laughs. I do not look like a constipated owl! I look like a- BLOW JOB! Harry pulled the stip. "Is my asshole still there?" I ask. Dougie looks. "Yeah. It's really red. It look like Bono came over for a visit." Bono? That granola fuck from that band U2? Before I can say anything else, Harry pulls the next stip. I dig my nails into the sofa. "Relax Danny. We are almost done. You'll look like Tara in no time." Harry tries to console me. "You know that the difference is between those two?" Tom asks. "What?" "He has less pussy miles then her!" "Tom, I don't have a vagina!" He thinks that comment over. "Well, not yet you don't." I manage to break free. "I don't want a pussy!" I shouldn't have said that. "You don't want any pussy?" Goddamn it. Why do they always have to twist my words around?

I manage to escape with my right nut intact. The doorbell rand and I was able to get away. How can they say that I don't like pussy? It's my favorite food. I like to put it between two slices of Wonder bread with lettuce. Sometimes I like it with hash browns, it really just depends on my mood.

"Hey honkey!" I hear Dougie call up the stairs to me. Who the fuck is he calling honkey? He is as white as my cum. "We need to start practicing our Christmas skit now." Oh, yeah. I almost forgot about that. Tom and his fat ass will be playing Santa. Dougie will be an elf and Harry will be Rudolph. "Hey , who am I going to play?" Tom looks up from his clipboard. "You? You're playing Mrs. Claus." Mrs. Claus?! "Why can't Dougie be Mrs. Claus?" Dougie hears this. "Because I don't have a pussy." My face drops. "Will you give that a rest already?" Dougie agrees. "Tom could be Mrs. Claus because he's got really big tits. Damn, then we would have to get a new Santa." Tom cuts in. "I'm Santa because I like it when my balls jingle." I've heard enough of this. My mind is even more of a sewer. I need an enema for my head.

I'm sitting in my room minding my own business when Tom bursts into my room and pulls his pants down. Goddamn it's like the Harvest moon! Ya know, if we painted his ass orange, we could use it as The Great Pumpkin. Snacks for thought- just a little something for me to take with me. "You like?" Tom asks me. "No." "Are you threatened by it?" What a stupid asshole. "Why would I be threatened by your rhino ass?" He pulls his pants up and snorts. "You just wish that you had an ass this gorgeous." Tom then proceeded to tell me just how gorgeous his ass was. He gave me a fuckin' earful.

I have a moments peace before I hear an explosion down the hall. I race into the room to find Dougie on the floor exhaling smoke rings. "What the fuck did you do?!" He doesn't say anything to me for a moment. "I was hanging Christmas lights; one of the bulbs exploded." Harry looks at him. "There is something different about you." "He's got no eyebrows, Harry." Tom says. He doesn't ? I take a closer look to see that his eyebrows, were in fact gone. "Harry I think that we are going to use those stick on lights this year."

Stick on light? Maybe I can stick one on each of my ass cheeks and then go jogging late at night. Maybe I could get those mini ones to stick on my nuts- Great for Christmas blowjobs!

Those goddamn charity assholes. They asked me for a donation and I gave them 50 pounds. They muttered something about me being un-charitable. What the fuck? I'm so charitable, I shit donations! Those little assholes. I'm gonna go pray that they all end up in the hospital.

Hmm. I was praying and then I realized that I was just talking to myself. I should start a fortune telling booth. A nice way to make a little extra Christmas cash. Before I that, I think that I am gonna roll me a Christmas blunt. I crawl up onto the roof and light up. I forgot that I was on the roof and took a step. I fell off the hose. "Count Coca Fang was on the roof with me." I say as Dougie runs over to me. He looks totally confused. He pulls me up and starts to walk off. "Hey you wanna stick around for some cookies and punch? My treat." "I'm not in the mood for cookies now. How about tonight, Danny?" Fuck him He don't want any cookies? "You know what I'm hungry for?" I ask. "Punch and cookies? He suggests. "I'm hungry for some action!"

I run off leaving Dougie standing in the snow looking as clueless as ever. I'm glad I'm the badger; they never suspect the badger.

COUNT COCA FANG: AKA DANNY JONES


	2. Chapter 2

FOR THE CRITICS IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM IT'S THE DIARY OF DANNY JONES CHAPTER 2

TUESDAY ENTRY # 2

Tom just told me to shut the fuck up or he'll come in her and give me a reason to cry. I know what would make him cry; the Foot Network being cancelled.

Dougie and I were looking through some old photo albums. "Wow it has been a long time." "Sure has, Dougie. It seems like only yesterday I showed you how to give a blow job." For some reason Harry gets all pissy after I've said this. "What? Are you jealous that I didn't show you how to give you a blow job too?" Harry looks like he is about to explode. "NO! You know what? If I was your mum I would be really proud." He lost me. I thought that we were talking about blow jobs! "Why?" Dougie asks for me. "Excuse I wouldn't have to worry about my grandchildren being little asshole, because you are asshole enough for the whole clan." I smile. "Yeah I am. I've even gotten an award for it. I'm a certified asshole." That knocks the wind out of his sails. "I'm gonna go shake the weasel." I leave to take a piss leaving Harry there to figure out what went wrong with that conversation.

While I'm taking' a piss, this thought hits me; 'I wonder who would win a fight between a gnome and a lephracon Dougie knocks on the door before I can reason my answer out. "Hey! Where's Tom?" "He's not in my thoughts." I can't believe that I said that out loud. Dougie is choking with laughter on the other side of the door. "Never mind. I'll go ask Harry." Now he is gone and I can't remember what I was thinking! I should get myself a post-it notepad.

Dougie and I went Christmas shopping today; it sure was eventful. We went to the toy store to get Tom that new Star Wars toy that he wants so badly. We were in the store only 2 seconds before I spot the hottest doll ever. I know that she is made of plastic, but I just have to have her. Dougie heads down the next isle and I fly over to the doll.

I'm giving the doll a rim job when Dougie comes around the corner. "Hey Danny what do you think of-" o.0 He looks up and catches me. "Just testing out the new product." I tell him. "Why don't you just put the panties back on that doll and we will pretend this never happened." I think it over for a moment. "Fuck that; I'm going to bring her home with me." Dougie nearly passes out.

"You gonna introduce you mum to her?" Dougie smirks at me as we are leaving the store. HE does at least one thing every day that makes me want to kill him. I blush. "Never you mind, you nosey cunt." HE looks disappointed with my answer. Tough titty; that's life sometimes. I am thinking of all the shitty things that I can say to Dougie when he interrupts my thoughts. "LOOK AT THE CANS ON THAT BIMBO!" I look to my left and nearly have a stroke. I imagine her goin' at it with me under the Christmas tree.

Dougie seems to know what I am thinking because he says, "Go ahead and head butt her a couple of times." I nearly droop my bag. I drag him in the opposite direction before I get a hard on. I don't need him announcing that to the entire mall like last time. I glance at her while Dougie reads the mall dictionary.

She is reading a fighting magazine. "I'd like to fight with her." Now I have Dougie's attention again. "I've seen you fight with a girl and it ain't pretty." I don't need to take his shit. "Let's go home." Dougie looks disappointed for the second time today. Good. It makes me fuckin' happy.

-The Only Guy who can seduce a Barbie doll- Danny Jones


	3. Chapter 3

FOR THE CRITICS IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM: THIS IS THE DIARY OF DANNY JONES

CHAPTER 3

I got some action last night, but it wasn't all that good. We were getting into it when Amber misses me goods completely. Being horny, I got really irritated. She just let me slide in when she moves back a little. "You fumbling bitch!" She seems really pissed with my comment, but continued on with me.

I must have pissed her off again with something else that I did because she pushed off of me after we were finished having sex like I was a diving bored. To be honest, after she got her act together it was good.

Today I was never more embarrassed in my life. Tom found my little black book. You know what that self-righteous asshole did? He called up every one of the broads that I have slept with asking them all types of personal questions about it. I should fuck his girlfriend to get back at him for it. I don't know who his girlfriend is, but motherfucker, I am going to find out.

OOH! -_- I just found out who Tom's girlfriend is. Well, to be more accurate, what she looks like. I was diggin' through his shit when I come across a picture of a woman, and I think to myself, 'damn she's hot!' Then I take a closer look. CHRIST ON A CRUTCH! It's a picture of my sister! I'm washing my eyes with disinfectant when Dougie walks into the room. "What the fuck are you doing?" He looks at the photo that I have dropped on the floor. "Fuck me! This cunt is hot!" He snatches the photo of the ground. "That's my sister!" He looks stunned. "When she did get a pair of tits?" I take the picture out of his hands, pissed off. "When did you grow a pair of balls?" He shoves me, I shove him.

Tom walks in and catches us going at it. "Are you guys gonna fuck?" Tom asks, full of excitement. "NO!" I blush tomato red. Dougie looks deep in thought over in the corner. "I would." He says after a moment. He would what? Fuck me? I'm lost. Tom apparently is too, because he asks, "You would what, Dougie?" "Fuck him." He says this so casually, standing up. Is it hot in here or is it me? Dougie leaves Tom and me standing in the room. Tom whistles after a moment. "Never thought that he would turn out to be a bologna smoker. He always got the most pussy." Tom says something else, but I don't hear him. I'm picturing Dougie in a Catholic school's uniform. He's got the cross in his mouth and he- Tom smacks me and I fall back into reality. "Did you hear what I just fuckin' said? Or were you thinkin' about Dougie doin' you in the ass?" "It was more like a religious intervention." Tom's smile loses a few watts and I can tell he is disappointed. "This sucks. Hey, what were you guys doing in my room, anyway?" I need to think of a quick fuckin' lie. I'm too horny to think of one, so I go for the truth. "I wanted to know what your girlfriend looks like." The shit eating grin returns. "I'll get you a pic! She is fuckin' gorgeous."

He hurries to get a picture and I stand here trying no to pop a boner. Tom returns with the photo and I glance at it. I lose my urge; my soon to be boner wilts like a flower in the desert. "She's something." That is all I can manage to say without really lying to him. His girlfriend looks like the missing link. I get the fuck out of his room before he can break out the pictures of their first date.

The idea of fucking Tom's girlfriend is out. How the hell can he like her, let alone fuck her? Must be a lot of Prozac. That explains why he has been broke lately. He has been spendin' all his money on drugs just so he can get laid. I'm not mad at him anymore; I just feel bad for him now. I fell like getting him some pussy for Christmas. And usually I am not this generous.

Speaking of Christmas, I should start writing my x-mas shopping list. Harry, Tom and Dougie…what should I get them? I really want to give them gifts that warm the cockles of their hearts.

HARRY: He's always running out of hair gel and I am tired of listing to his complaining about it. I guess I could get him some to save him money and to save myself from having to endure his bullshit. I'll get him some hair gel made out of sperm. That should be cheap enough. That should do the trick. I get my revenge and he still gets a present. Best of both worlds.

TOM: A comb. I'm tired of looking at that pile of shit on his head that he calls hair. Looks like he's got pubic wool on his head. Oh, I think I feel a song coming on!

"Pubic wool, pubic wool, how I love you so. You make me dance and rub you down below…" Enough of that; I've got a list that I have to get done here. Now where was I? Oh yeah, I left off at Dougie.

DOUGIE: I'll get him a gift certificate to the salon. That way when he is out at the salon, I can whack it to his pornos without getting caught. And of course, I am going to get myself a little something.

-The shopping king, Danny Jones


	4. Chapter 4

FOR THE CRITICS IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM: THIS IS THE DIARY OF DANNY JONES

CHAPTER 4

Today I am supposed to be heading to the shit hole that they call the mall. Or for you gangsters out there, "da mall." Wither way, I would rather drink sperm from a blue whale then have to go through this horrifying event again. Maybe I will be able to score a few phone numbers at the mall.

Boy I was I fuckin' wrong! The traffic was alone to kill me. No, I wasn't driving. Tom wouldn't let me drive because I am a "threat to humanity" when I am behind the wheel. What the fuck ever! Sometimes if I am good he will let me take his car out on the back roads. That's always a lot fun! I always aim for the squirrels and chipmunks running along the side of the road.

The parking lot was like the 5th ring on hell! Children were running everywhere and parents were yelling and screaming. What pissed me off about this whole thing was, Tom would not try to hit one child. What the fuck kind of driving is this? He was driving like Harry! Speaking of that dick-licking asshole, he's staying in my room this weekend because we are repainting his bedroom. You know that that means? I only have a little bit of time to find pants that will protect me from being anally raped.

While Tom is looking for a parking space, I'll go over my list to see what I have left to pick up. Hmmm. Harry is all set; Dougie and I jerked it all night long last night, to fill a gallon sized bucket of hair gel. Tom is all set as well. I found a comb in the urinal of a porter potty down town at a construction site. Who do I have left on my list? Dougie and myself.

Before I know it, Tom is chewing on my ear about what store we are going into first. "We? Who the fuck are you bringing with you? I have my own fuckin' agenda!" Tom looks over at me. "Does this include the lady who works at the pizza place in the food court?" How does he know about her? Who the fuck has he been talking to? Huh. "I dunno. It depends if I can get all my shopping done. Maybe I will have time to get to her." Tom looks confused. "Time to get to her? I thought that you were dating her." Where the fuck did he get this information??! I decide to stick him with more info than he would have ever thought possible.

"Oh, I am. But I am also dating Kelsey, Lidsay, Hona, Saki, Kisa and Olivia. Tom looks amazed and he is silent for a moment. During this time I celebrate a personal victory. He didn't expect this kind of honesty from me. "Wow! How do you keep all of their names straight?" He took the bait. "Well, check this shit out. I have a photo album here of all the girls that I am currently dating. All of their information, likes, dislikes and photos are in it. This way I can date as many girls as I want to at the same time without ever making any errors."

"Damn. You really know your stuff. If only you were this organized for school. Ya know if you did this, back when we were in school you would have gotten much better grades and the teachers would have liked you a lot more. And maybe they would have stopped shooting darts at your pictures in the lounge." Tom smirks at me. "They shot darts at my school pictures?!" I'm pissed now and a little pleased. "Yeah. You and Dougie both; You two were really popular in there. Harry and I were on the shooting stars board." Lord save me. At least Dougie and I were not on the same board as those two cock-holes. That would be worse than having my nuts fed to a bulldog when they are still attached to me. Whoa! How could I have ever let a thought like that creep into my head?

Before Tom can say anymore stupid shit to me, I dash away leaving him to talk to himself in front of the dollar store. What a stupid asshole! First stop on my list is the salon for Dougie. This should not take any time at all. Get in and get out; just like last night's game plan. I will save going to get my gift for last, because I know that I will get distracted while I am inside of that sec store. Now what is the name of that fuckin' store that this guy online told me about? Oh yeah! The Horny Englishman. Nice name for a place if you ask me.

Into the salon I go! HOLY SHIT! Every woman in this place is slutty and hot. I guess I should have saved this place for last. What the fuck was I here for? Oh yeah. A gift certificate. I walk up to the girl at the desk. Her tits are staring me straight in the face; they are calling out to me!

"Well, good morning perky tits!" The girl looks up. "What the hell did you just say to me?" "Nothing. Just thinking to myself here. Um, I was looking to purchase some tits-gift certificate! How much would one of them cost?" She sighs and looks in a binder of information. "Well, that could depend on the package that you want to purchase for your girlfriend." Alright, she thinks that I am taken. Time to put the moves on her. "Oh, it's not for my girlfriend. It's for a guy friend of mine. I am single at this time." "That's great. How much would you like to put down?" I think for a moment. I have to show her that I am a big spender. "Give me the 100 pound one. That should be good enough for that fuckin' prick. You wanna go out sometimes?"

She looks up from the slip she is filling out, her tits winking me in the face again. GODDAMN! I watch the sweat drip down into her cleavage. So tempting! I think I might explode. "Um, no thank you. But, I think that my mum is interested." She points to the older woman behind her, who is putting her teeth in.

"What the fuck?! On second thought, I think I'd better be going. I have a lot of shit to do today, so ladies." I grab the gift certificate and get the fuck out of there. If I ever have to see that again, I hope my eyeballs get ripped out. That was more horrifying than watching Tom get a facial and a pedicure.

-The horny non-desperate virgin, Danny Jones


	5. Chapter 5

FOR THE CRITICS IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM THIS IS THE DIARY OF DANNY JONES

CHAPTER 5

Today Dougie asked me what Christmas was about. I thought for a moment and then told him, "vengeance." He looked sad with my answer. What did he expect me to say? Spending time wit him? I do enough of that already. I can't take a shit without him standing next to me holding the toilet paper.

I look over at where Dougie is sitting in the corner writing something. I see the sad look still on his face. The sorrow-the agony…I just can't get enough! I'm sitting over here laughing manically when Tom comes over and raps me in the head with his cooking spoon. "Apologize to Dougie." Like fuck that is going to happen. I didn't go anything to him (yet) I stand up and snap my journal shut. "Fuck you guys, I am going to the strip club." I leave Dougie in the corner and Tom standing there in his flowered house dress and apron looking like Rachel Ray.

I had a good time at the strip club. The bitch who was giving me a lap dance was totally grabbing my ass and best of all she was wearing a Santa hat. Speaking of Santa, I used to look up to him until I saw him at the Salvation Army. I dunno; it just pissed me off for some reason.

I walk through the front door to hear Dougie singing about Santa coming to town. Oh…well, he was before I backed over him. It was an accident! I was backin' out of the strip club when I ran over him Thankfully, I was driving Harry's car and I was able to speed away before anyone saw my license plate.

Dougie stops dancing when he sees me in the doorway. "Why do you look guilty, Danny?" I don't know if he can handle the truth about Santa. Before I can think of a lie to tell him, Harry bursts through the front door. "Guys! My car was used in a murder! Some shit stain pullin' out of Steve's Pussy Palace, hit Santa with my car and fuckin' drove off!" Dougie looks really upset. "SANTA!!" He falls to the floor sobbing like a girl scout who lost all her cookies. Jesus Christ it was only Santa! If it was Jessica Alba, then I could see him making a big deal out of it. What am over dramatic asshole! I can't take this shit anymore; I'm going to my room. O.0

My mum came over today with a distorted titty hang up. Seriously, I thought that cunt was on the pill. Anyway, I had to listen to her menstrual bullshit for an hour and a half. Christ. If I wanted to hear those kinds of problems, then I would talk to Dougie or Tom. I was relieved when she said that she had to leave. I should have become a counselor. I handle bullshit on a daily basis. I should get paid for all the time and energy I spend on these assholes. Maybe I should work on this idea. You never know when you are going to need a little extra money. I'll start my own clinic. I've already got a great slogan; "We'll listen to you bitch, but don't expect us to care." That should bring in the customers.

Jesus Christ! Dougie is taking an assertion class. You know what that wank off did? He tried that earth shit on me! I was sitting in my room when he barged right the fuck in~ "Danny I have to tell you something! I feel really frustrated and annoyed when you borrow my pornos, because when I get them back they are covered in your cum. I feel really disrespected when you do this." I look up from my computer screen. "Yeah, so? What the fuck do you want? You're not getting a goddamn dime out of me! I ain't replacing that shit. It's life; get the fuck over it." "But I feel-" I cut him off. I've had enough of this shit already. "Don't try that touchy feely earthy shit on me!" I push him out of my room and slam the door in his fuckin' face!

How dare he bring that petty bullshit to my attention! I usually get most of my cum on my hands. I don't know what he is bitching about. I only do that like 8 or 9 times a week. I hear Dougie's muffled voice and cries coming from the next room over. I place my ear to the wall to listen. The next thing that I hear is Tom's fuckin' face flapping. God does he aggravate me! He thinks he is Joe Hot Shit just because he is from London. Fuck him. I'm from Bolton. We're tough there. I'll pull his testicles out through his asshole. London boys suck my left nut. Shallow London pussies….

"Danny's just on the rag. He doesn't hate you Dougie." What is that? How can Tom make these fuckin' assumptions? Harry must be psychic or something because into my room and says, "Quit listening through the fuckin' wall. Have some class; listen through the crack in the door." I could have kissed Harry for his suggestion. "That is bloody fuckin' brilliant!" We race to the door and listen. "And Harry was mean to me! He made me drink a cup of his ball swear. It was either that or he would fart on my face when I'm sleeping." I peer through the key hole. My eyes explode with rage. Tom is hugging Dougie. That is the straw that broke the camel's balls. Harry seems miffed at this too. Together we break down the door. Tom looks as if he's shit his pants. Dougie looks as if we've caught him with the forbidden fruit.

"What the fuck is goin' on here?" Tom stands up. "None of your goddamn business." Harry steps in before I can. He's really fuckin' irate over this. I hope that he rips Tom's dick off and throws it in the bushes. That would make my fuckin' week! He shoves Tom to the floor. Dougie is at my side in an instant. "Let's get out of here." I pull Dougie out of his room. He sits on the floor and I join him. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get to get aggravated earlier." He brightens up. "Really?" Ok, I lied to him. He'll get over it. We're not fuckin' 8 years old anymore. "I guess." He hugs me and I feel great. "Wanna try it again?" "Not on your fuckin' life!" His smile fades faster then me at Sunday mass. Sensing that he may cry again, I quickly say, "Maybe we can do it some other time." "Alright!" He leaves me standing in the hallway all alone. Tom comes out of Dougie's room with a black eye and a bloody nose. Harry comes out looking proud and accomplished. Tom heads to the bathroom and Harry takes out a huge cigar. He lights up, puffs on it once and blows a cloud of smoke in my face.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" He takes another puff then says, "I beat his ass good." He beat Tom's ass? He only gave Dougie a hug. Yeah, I was fuckin' pissed off about it, but I wouldn't have gone that far. Okay, perhaps I would. It depends on my mood and my hormone levels at that moment. "Why did you beat his ass? Harry looks thrilled that I have asked this. "I taught him to cheat on me." I want to vomit now. "Huh?" Is all I can manage to say. "That douche cunt! Rubbing up against Dougie like that; Tom's lucky that's all he got." He blows another cloud of smoke in my face and heads to his room.

Harry is fucking Tom? I get a mental image and I feel like I am going to be violently ill. I slip into my bedroom and shut the door. What does Harry have that I don't? I'm the sexiest member and I'm not getting any action. The thought of Dougie hugging Tom enters my mind, and I feel my blood boil. Tom should have butted the fuck out. He is such a nosy cunt. I think I'll go push him off the balcony.

Yay! It is that special time of year. I have to start organizing my annual "get fucked on New Year's party." Before that I have to do that stupid "secret Santa" bullshit. I know that Dougie sis mine. I hope that he gets me that hydraulic dick lift that I have been telling him about.

Harry is on the phone and I want to know what's going on. I pick up the cordless in the dining room and listen in. "Yeah. I'll be at grandmas at noon on the 27th. Yeah. Bye." I hear Dougie snicker and I know that he has been listening in too. "Grandma's suck." Dougie comes in. "Yeah they do. Thank Christ my grandmother is fuckin' dead!" I'm not expecting this and I drop the phone. Harry comes in a second later. "What's going on here?" I snort at him and pick up the phone. "Nothing." Harry gets all cunty, "Fine. I'm meeting Tom at the diner down the street." He leaves. Dougie and I explode with laughter. "What did he get all cunty about? We weren't doing nothing!" We slap high fives and go out for Chinese.

Today's been good ; Tom pissed me off (again) and rather than deal with his bullshit, I wrote him off as an asshole. Less stress for me. Speaking of Tom, he is inhaling popcorn on the sofa watching a documentary on the jockstrap. Who gives a shit? I sure as fuck don't. What I want to know is why Tom is so into this. He's never owned a jockstrap in his life. I don't think that he has ever even seen one. Ah, no. Once he did. I was playing tag with Dougie. We were wearing only our jockstraps because we found that we could run much faster wearing only them. Tom was painting the house while this was going on. He saw Dougie's hairy ass and fell off the ladder. He broke his arm. Personally, I think that he got what he deserved; if he had been minding his own fuckin' business that wouldn't have happened.

The show must be over because Tom knocks on my door. Everything he does has to be loud. It really aggravates me when he does that sonic boom clapping shit that he loves so much. I think that he wants to kill me by giving my high blood pressure. He's well on his way. I tell him to come in anyway so we can get this over with.

Tom comes in and sits on the floor. I glance over at him. "Yes?" He's struggling to find words. There's a fuckin' first; he's always flapping his gums about something. This one time I had to hear all about his uncle vasectomy. It was fuckin' horrific! Thankfully he couldn't find his photo album to show me pictures of this wonderful event. "I need someone who is a good listener." He finally says. Huh? Then why the fuck is he talking to me? I can't listen worth shit. "What's on your mind, Tom?" Oh, shit. I've opened the flood gates for his emotions. I'd better go and put my waders on. "I just can't handle this bullshit with my mum." That cunt! Now I really won't be able to listen. Then I remember that class that I had to take on supportive listening. "You sound upset about what's going on with your mum because you don't think you can handle it." Tom looks up at me. "Are your retarded? I just fuckin' said that!" He's aggravated with me and I am afraid. "Yeah. She is always bothering me about going to sewing class with her." I try again. "You sound aggravated because you don't want to go to sewing class with your mum." He's fighting the urge to hit me and I can tell. "Danny, who the fuck would want to sew with their mum?" "Not fuckin' me!" We laugh and jeer at the idea that some guys actually like going to sewing class with their mums.

We're wiping away tears of laughter when Dougie walks into the room. He's holding a heart shaped quilted pillow. "Where did you get that?" He looks at the pillow. "You mean this, Tom?" "What the fuck else would I be talking about?!" Before Dougie can say anything, I cut him off. "Did you make that in sewing class with your mum?" Tom and I are paralyzed with laughter. Dougie isn't laughing. We look over at him and he looks kind of upset. "What?" "Actually, Danny, yes I did. I made it with my mum for someone special." "Who is it for?" We've pushed him too far. He starts to cry. "Fuck you guys! Why do you always have to be assholes?" He runs off before either of us can say anything to him. Tom leaves a second later and I'm left alone to reflect on what just happened.

I feel like a shit stain for what I said to Dougie. I'm probably gonna end up in hell with the rest of my family. Fuck that! I don't want to spend eternity burning in hell with those fuckin' assholes! I have to make amends before that becomes my fate.

I knock on Dougie's door to see if he's there. And of course, he's there. It's like fuckin' Ghandi in his sanctuary. He answers the door on my third knock. "What do you want?" He's still upset. Christ. This is going to be harder than I thought. "Can I come in for a minute?" He takes a step back and lets me enter his room. "I'm sorry about the pillow thing. I didn't know…and I didn't mean to upset you." Dougie doesn't say anything to me. He turns around and walks towards his bed. That ungrateful piece of shit! Here I'm trying to make amends and he is fuckin' blowin' me off! I'm about to take a step forward to wring his neck when he turns around. He is holding the pillow; I take a closer look at what it says. It has my name embroidered in it. Now I feel like the biggest asshole in the world. Even bigger than Tom. Dougie walks towards me and hands me the pillow. Before I can think about the situation, I pull him into a hug. Dougie holds me close. I'm getting comfortable in his arms, when the door swings open. Harry is on the doorway with his camera taking a picture of Dougie holding me in his arms. "What the fuck?!" Dougie lets go of me and smacks Harry, "Get the fuck out of here!" He reaches for the camera, but he is too short to reach. Dougie kicks him in the shin and slams the door shut. "Now where were we?" He pulls me onto the bed and turns on his DVD player.

We are watching Red Dragon (no, it's not a porno) when Tom bursts through Dougie's door. He looks at the screen. "Since when is Red Dragon a fuckin' romance movie?" Can't I go through one day without his bogus-ass commentary? I doubt it. It's like living with a fuckin' chatty Cathy doll. I have to wear earplug in my own fuckin' house! "Get lost Tom. Nobody called your nasty ass in here." He flips me off and turns to leave. I pop him in the back of the head with a rubber band. He tackles me to the floor and I bite him. He howls like a wolverine in heat. Dougie and I fly out of the room before Tom can get up and kill us.

-The World Wrestling Champion, Danny Jones


	6. Chapter 6

FOR THE CRITICS IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM THIS IS THE DAIRY OF DANNY JONES

CHAPTER 6

Holy sweet Christ! I just found out what Tom bought his mum for Christmas; he bought her a pair of breast implants! If I was a woman and some jerk off bought me a pair of breast implants, I would be fuckin' pissed! Though I wouldn't mind getting a pair now; I would hang them on my bedroom wall and have them light up at night. Those would be the highlight of home decorating if I sold this to a group of advertising pigs. Dougie just found out about Tom's gift. He hasn't said a word; he is sitting in his room completely silent. I just think he's fuckin' jealous because he didn't think of it first. What an idiot.

…

I was watching that show with that yellow sponge bloke the other day. What the fuck is his name? Bob or something like that. It was that fun episode. Ya know? The one with the musical number. Well, I came up with a few versions of the "fun" song myself.

F is fuck all you assholes

U is for you can blow me

N is for not getting corn-holed.

And then I came up with this other enchanting version later.

F is for you fucks piss me off

U is for you can suck on my nut sac

N is for no more assholes.

I am about to write another version, but my train of thought goes off track when I hear Douige's loud panting coming from the other room. I think I am going to assert myself. I found Dougie's assertion class text book on the back of the toilet. I found it and while I was talking a shit, I flipped through it. I have to say that some of the things in that book really tickled my fancy.

I slam his bedroom door open. I find him making a hand party out of my sister! He's fuckin' jerking it to my sister's passport photo. Jesus Christ! My sister! I'm ready to break his rib cage and pull his heart out when I remember that assertion message thing. I wasn't expecting such a fuckin' gruesome scene, so I have to revise my original assertion message. Dougie sees me in the doorway and quickly slips the photo under his pillow. "Did you need something, Danny?" He has the nerve to act like I just didn't catch him jerking it to my sister's picture.

I take a deep breath and try to calm the anger that is building up inside. "Dougie, I feel very angry when you jerk off to my sister's picture because I think that you do not respect the bind that I have with my sister." Since Dougie is slow, it takes a moment to sink in. "You bonded with your sister?!" Fuck this, its go time! I jump onto his bed and punch him in the head. This assertion stuff isn't too bad; I am quite good at this shit! I should try this more often. I think I should write a book on this shit; How to Deal with an Emotional Asshole By: Danny Jones. That sounds like it will make one hell of a coffee table book.

…

Today I have to go and play fuckin' panicle with my grandmother. I was going to bring Harry with me, but he's got water colours in the afternoon. Him and his goddamn paintings! Who the fuck does he think he is? John Lennon? No wait…I don't think that he was a painter. Oh, well. Next was to bring Tom along with me, but yet again this idea is out. Tom's got the art of dance and then tap dancing after it. Jesus! I tell them to go and get hobbies and this is what they fuckin' do? Dougie's newest hobby is a little out there, but it's okay. He's decided that he wants to take underwater sculpting classes. Christ. What are they going to have next? Lamaze class on the fuckin' moon? Doesn't anyone just stare at the fuckin' clouds anymore? Anyhow, the only one who is free is Dougie. I don't want to go alone, so he will be my companion for the trip.

Dougie has never met my grandmother before, so I am a little nervous. The last time that I had to do community service at the old folk's home, I brought him along. I thought that it would be a nice safe environment for me to leave him unsupervised. That was the last time that I ever made a decision like that. Within 10 minutes of leaving him alone he already had propaganda raining from the ceiling. He brought a toy squirt gun and ran around squirting it yelling, "Granada!" Wasn't that just a TV war? I thought I saw Matt Damen in it. Huh. Anyway, the yelling and squirt gun caused a few of the old war vets to freak out. One of them had a stroke and nearly died. Needless to say, that was the last time that I brought Dougie around there.

We pull up in front of the old folk's home where my gran lives. Dougie's face lights up like a fuckin' Christmas tree. Before he can open the door, I pull him so close that even Christ won't be able to hear what I am going to tell him. "Don't you pull any fuckin' hijinx! We don't need a repeat of what happened last time." He smirks at me and I grab him by his shirt collar. "I'm serious you little asshole. One goddamn shenanigan and your ass is mine." He nods and I can see the fear in his eyes. He gets out of the car and heads up the stairs into the building. I trail behind him watching him like a fuckin' hawk. There is no way in hell that I am letting him get away with his usually bullshit.

I bring him to my gran's room and hesitate to knock on the door. I can't blow her off again, even though I really want to. Goddamn it! Is this what hell feels like? I hope it's not this bad. I knock on the door and as she is opening the door Dougie grabs my hand. "Hi! I'm Dougie and I am Danny's boyfriend." What the fuck did he just say? My gran looks sick for a moment and then falls backwards like a bag of wet dog shit. "Grandmum!"

…

We are on our way home from the Emergency Medical Centre. All I did was ask him to be good for one afternoon! And what does that shit stain do? He gives my grandmother a heart attack and then laughs as the paramedics try and revive her. Well, I am glad that he had such a good fuckin' time! That is the last good time that he is going to have for a long while. Too bad his grandmother is dead. If she wasn't, I would masturbate by her bed and give her a fuckin' heart attack! Well, I am grateful that I didn't have to play any games with her. I guess something good did come out of this shitty day.

I'd better turn my cell off or it'll be ringing off the fuckin' hook. My mum is going to be fuckin' pissed when she finds out about what happened today with Dougie. She'll probably pull my scrotum off; not like that hasn't happened before. Dougie's snort of laughter knocks me out of my thought world. I glance over to see him texting someone. "Who the fuck are you texting?" He turns his phone away from me. "No one." "I saw you, you fuck! I'm only gonna ask you one more time, before I pull the car over and beat your ass!" Dougie gets the message. I'm pretty sure that he doesn't want to piss me off after what he did to my gran. He sighs. "I was texting Tom." Since when are those two fucks friends? When did this alliance form? I shoot him a dirty look.

"What? See its Tom's number." He holds his phone up so I can see who he was texting. By the power of Christ it was Tom! Did I fall into some alternate universe or something? "Well, what were you texting him?" The look on his face tells me that he doesn't want to share with me. My hands tighten on the steering wheel. Sensing danger he quickly says, "I sent him a picture in a text message." "What was the photo of?" He snaps his phone shut. "You don't want to know." I've had enough of his little bullshit games. I snatch his phone out of his hands. I flip it open to see a photo of my gran wearing an oxygen mask with LAMO written underneath it. I nearly flip the car over I'm so fuckin' mad! I crush his phone and whip it out the car window. "Hey! Tom was supposed to be texting me back!" "Fuck Tom! Fuck your phone and double fuck you! I can't believe that you did that!"

I'm so mad that I can't find words to express how I feel. Dougie doesn't seem bothered by it at all. "At least you didn't see that other photo that I had on my phone." "WHAT?" I roar in his direction. He cowers in his seat. "It was a picture I took. I- I stuck my phone up your gran's nightgown and took a snap shot." I'm not ready for that one. I cut the wheel so hard that the car goes over the guardrail and lands in a ravine. I'm in a state of shock; I didn't expect this to happen. I look over at Dougie and he looks as id he shit himself. I am tempted to look, but I don't.

I dig around in my pants to find my cell phone. "Wow. That was really unexpected. I'm gonna call harry to come and pick us up. He should be out of water colours by now." Dougie nods as if he can't speak. I hope that he can't! Maybe he swallowed his fuckin; tongue! That would be a fuckin' treat! That is one of the top things on my Christmas wish list this year. "Goddamn it! I don't have any fuckin' service." "What are we going to do now Dale Ernheart?" Dougie asks me. Shit, I guess I didn't get my Christmas wish. Tomorrow is Christmas, maybe I will get his voice box under the tree in a fancy gift box! Then I can toss that out my car window too!

The only place that we can get cell service is on the top of the hill that my car went off of. "We are going to have to hike it." Dougie groans. What the fuck is he groaning about? It's his fuckin' fault that we're down here! If he had pissed me off and distracted me while I was driving this wouldn't have happened. Whoa! My logic scares me sometimes; I must have been a lawyer in a past life.

I get out of the car and pull Dougie out with me. He falls to the ground. "Yo! Get your fuckin' ass up!" "I broke my asshole bone Danny!" I think that I must have damaged my hearing when we crashed. "What the hell did you just say?" He won't get off the ground. "I really think that my asshole bone is broken." Tears are falling now. What am I going to do now? I can't just leave his goofy ass here. "Can you give me a piggyback ride up the hill?" I must be going fuckin' deaf because Dougie just made a logical suggestion. I groan. I have to carry him all the way up that hill? At least he's small; it's better than having to carry Harry or Tom up the hill. I'd probably throw my back out.

"Alright, I guess that I will have to do that." I pull him onto my back. Christ! It's like a bag of wet cement on my back. I struggle up the hill while Dougie thoroughly enjoys himself. By the time that I get to the top of the hill, I am convinced that I am going to die. I fall to the ground and he tumbles off me. "God please kill me!" Dougie looks at me confused then totally makes the wrong connection. "Oh my God! Danny you're suicidal?! Was that a suicide attempt? I could have died! You could have killed us both!" I roll my eyes at his stupidity. "No you dolt! If I wanted to kill myself I would have done it already. I probably would have hung myself from the ceiling fan in the living room using my shoelaces. And as for you, I would probably have killed you with a yo-yo string already." He's all excited because I said the word yo-yo. What a stupid asshole. Why is my best mate such a fuckin' tard? Goddamn, I haven't lowered my standards that far have I?

It starts to rain before I can put anymore thought into that. Where's my phone? Holy shit it's gone! Then I notice Dougie with my phone dialing a number. "Harry! Save us! Danny's shitty driving nearly got us killed again! Yeah, can you come and pick us up? Uh, huh, we're there." He hangs up and I slap my phone out of his hands. "What the fuck Danny?" He says this with a pissed off tone. Excuse me! What the fuck gave him the right to talk to me like that? And where the fuck did he get the idea that he has the right to be fuckin' pissed off? He's the fuckin' cause of all this! First my gran and now this; he's really on a roll today. I think that I am going to have an aneurism I am so goddamn mad at him.

Dougie looks over at me. I'm grateful that he can't read minds or he'd see an image of me kicking the shit out of him. I must have a smile on my face because he is inching away from me in fear. He should be afraid after all the goddamn shenanigans that be pulled today! I'm leaning over to smack him when Harry pulls up. "Why didn't Tom come too?" Goddamn Tom! Why does Dougie care if he came or not? If there is somethin' going' on and I don't know about it, heads are going to roll. "Tom is at dance class right now, you know that." Dougie looks crestfallen. Fuckin' Tom! Even when he is not here he manages to fuck my day up. I'm mad, but I'm also jealous. I wish that I had a fuckin' talent like that. I want to be envied like I envy him. Not hated, mind you, just envied. Harry lifts Dougie into the car. "Quit sulking like a teenage prom queen." Harry calls at me. He wants to play it like that? Fine, I'll take a shit in his stocking tomorrow morning.

…

As we are pulling into the driveway, Tom pulls up next us. He gets out of his car, still in his panty hose, swinging his dance bag over his shoulder. His little skirt is cute, I must admit. Harry has just informed Tom about the asshole bone situation. Tom says that he will be changed in a minute to take Dougie to the hospital. I see red when he sees this. I shove Tom into the snow and steal Harry's car keys from him. "I'll drive him." Dougie's face turns whiter than it was. "It's okay. I can wait for Tom." I whip around. "Fuck Tom! I'm driving." I get into the car and slam the door so hard that the whole car shakes. I reve up the engine and wheel out of the driveway leaving Harry and Tom in the snow looking like assholes.

The emergency room is busy and I am in no mood to sit and wait. "Yo! My friend has a broken asshole bone here! He needs imitate medical assistance!" Every doctor and nurse in the place stops and looks at me. I look around to see that other patients in the room are looking at me too. I need to play it off cool to prove that I am not a psychotic fuck. "Are you deaf? Or am I not speaking English?" Somebody get on this!" They put Dougie on some cheap thrown on wheels and move him into the next room.

I take a seat in the waiting room and glare at a guy who looks like someone that I went to high school with. Well, to be honest, he looks like a guy who used to beat the shit out of me. Oh, fuck I think it is him! He stands up and comes over to me. "Danny please beat the shit out of me Jones! Hey man!" I cower in my seat as he extends his arm toward me. I'm safe; I'm in a hospital. "Hello?" I'm not sure if I want to greet this guy or not. "How have you been? You still look the same as you did when I used to make you eat the urinal cakes!" I remember that. Late at night when I wake up in a cold sweat I can still taste the urinal cakes. "I-I've been good. What about you?" "Me? Fabulous, Fabulous. What are you doing here?" "My mate broke his asshole bone." He laughs in my face. "You still hang out with fuck offs and retards, huh?" Dougie is not a retard! Okay, I guess he got me there. Dougie is a slight tard and Tom is a complete fuck off. Hey! He didn't mention twat holes; poor Harry, he must feel left out.

The doctor calls him in before I can reply. "Catch you later." He punches the air. I hope to fuck that I don't run into him later! The last thing I want to do is run into my childhood nemesis. Actually, he was my teen-hood tormentor. I hope Dougie is okay in there; I know that I am not alright out here. The doctor comes out and calls me in. "He didn't break anything. He only bruised his tail bone." What? I was nearly killed in the waiting room only to find out that he has a bruise?! I want to chock the shit out of him. How dare he try and pull a fast one on me! This is all Tom's fuckin' doing. I knew that fuckin' ass bag was a bad influence on people! I am gonna skin his nuts with my field knife.

I push Dougie into the car and out. I'm so pissed off that I ignore the yield sign and nearly run over a kid on crutches. My mood is still shitty when we get home. I leave him in the car and holler for Tom and harry to go and get him out. I slam my bedroom door so hard that I break the doorframe. I get on my lap top and start working on my 'I Hate Tom Fletcher' website. I feel that the headlining picture of me sticking my foot up Tom's ass is a good decision. An example of my brilliance, if you ask me.

-The webmaster of the McFly mansion, Danny Jones.


End file.
